R.e.c.o.v.e.r.y.
BOOK:
Realize I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.
"Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor." Matthew 5:3
ME:
It is in the realization that I am sexually broken, that I am a sinner, I can begin to heal. I choose you, Lord, to come into me, Jesus, to be my guide. I confess these things to you in order to be healed-confession-the truth will set you fee. I confess: homosexuality, impure thoughts, encouraging sinful behavior in others (seduction), pre-marital sex, physical envy, sexual longing...I lay these with you at the cross. I give you control of this are of my life b/c obviously I have none of my own. My flesh is my muse, but I want you as my inspiration (Savior)! Lord, Christ Jesus, take the shame, fear, sin-slavery away. Make me happy knowing I am TOTALLY helpless! Spiritually poor, I beg at your feet.
I read a book recently (The Shack) that helped me see my Papa in a new way. To see God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in ways I never considered. I felt a newness that I haven't felt in a long time. I gave up the control (I am not perfect) and do so daily. For I cannot focus on past things and cannot focus on teh future, I must run the race her and now, the today! So Today, once again as yesterday and tomorrow, I give up myself to you. I give up this whirlwind of activity this chaos, this complete lack of understading, I give it to you. I also give you control! The reigns, the know...Take it and use me today, Papa. Take it and use me Today, Jesus. Take it and use me today, Holy Spirit. Take me to your places, not my own...Heal me in your ways, not my own and PRAISE BE TO YOU wh lifted burdens long since rooted in my spirit to make me wieghtless and blameless in your sight...East to West is how far you take that and in your control I find comfort knowing I don't have to fret, I can rest easy knowing you are in control...You are God and I am not...there is true freedom in those words...
r.E.c.o.v.e.r.y.
BOOK:
Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.
"Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4
ME:
Jagged edges leaves crooked scars. I have been jaded and mis-treated. I, in turn, have clung to anger and mistrust as my friends. Iwould be lying if I said that I loved God with my whole self-heart soul and mind. My statement would read closer to "I love God with my whole mind, whole soul, but only the parts of my heart I haven't shut up in shame and fear!" Shame shut up a great part of my heart, anger the other part and fear the biggest part b/c I was willing slave to those sins. I hurt myself, and others, then pitied myself-wallowing in it. Then upon hearing God's gentle, urging, voice I hid that part of me-Just as if in teh Garden, oh the Eve that I am. I tried to be my own god for so long, my own savior, that giving up those places I failed and then hid away (my skeletons) is the most frightening thing I am doing now, but also the most feeing. Fear b/c I had no idea (or have) how to love properly. I cannot even trust myself to fully love my son, unabashedly. My fear surfaces as brash and self-centeredness. I despise me and others, therefore I cannot believe a God can love me. (Note: this is an older journal entry, so there will be inserted updates that conflict the sentence before, just take it as it is..me) ...then I read His word, see the sunrise and get my manicure (thanks, Papa for that!) and realize He is not a man. He is beyond anyone I have known. He is my Papa, in the truest sense. He is my brother, my parent, my leader, my comforter, my EVERYTHING! HE IS TRUST in its purest form. And if I tallied every happy moment and took their sum, it still would not compare to one minute in Papa's prescence. He is wehre I want to be. ?he is the only think I believe in wholely and I realize and Earnestly know that I truly believe in Christ as my whole future...I am his beloved and He is mine. Suddenly I can feel some mortar and brick crumbling and walls weakening...jagged pieces can leave crooked scars, but really whoever appreciates the easy tasks. God will refine me through my fires. I earnestly believe this with my whole mind, body and yes....Heart!
r.e.C.o.v.e.r.y.
BOOK:
Consciously shoose to commit all my life and will to Christ's car and control.
"Happy are the meak." Matthew 5:5
ME:
How many times have I said the words, "Lord, come into my heart and lead me, Lord"? I have lost count. I said the salvation prayer many years ago and I knwo my name is in the Book of Life. BUT...I am the prodigal's daughter and I have had to lay with many swine before I realized how far from God I had run. Running away is, well, it is foolish (and expensive). The Bible clearly makes out the fool as doomed, so I don't want o be foolish. Upon coming back (running full throttle) into my Papa's welcome arms, I renew this statement more as a daily reminder to my flesh of who is really in control (Papa). So, now I consciously choose to commit all mu life and will to your care and control. Even when my flesh seems to veer off course, I give you the rod to draw me back...Take my wrong-will and replace it with your strong will...
As I said, I read "The Shack" and it gave me a glimpse into myself-the blame, shame, and name...I cling to the ideaology of God as my Papa, not my dad...Dad is (working on this) a dirty word for me. A person who causes hurt, not growth. But my Grandpa was not this way, so to think of God as a Papa, who cares for me the way a father should an to a fatherless child be a guide, then I begin to see the kind of love he has for me....So if I say Papa, I mean the only "man" who has ever really taken my interest to heart and followed me, protected me, disciplined me, and loved me UNABASHEDLY!
r.e.c.O.v.e.r.y.
BOOK:
Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, God, and to someone I trust.
"Happy are the pure in heart" Matthew 5:8
ME:
Open
Sins that I confess to have no control over...Giving them to Papa...
Laziness
Lying
Cheating
Adultery/envy
Glutton
murderous thoughts
gossip
anger
sloth
sexual immorality (sex, porn, masturbation, lust, jealousy, seduction, the list could go on, but you get the point)
ashamedness
wrecklessness
self-pity
discontentment
shallowness
impatience
unkindness
wicked tongue (gossip, harsh words, hypocrytical alliances, poisoness in nature)
judgement
And most of these are daily!
r.e.c.o.V.e.r.y
BOOK:
Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.
"Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires." Matthew 5:6
ME:
Where do I start? I will just say, "Plese excuse my dust, God has me under construction."
Lord, on the following (and previous) entries I wrote an iota of my sinful nature. I commit then to you. Give me one drop of our blood and I know they as far as East is from West. Please forgive me. I can't pay you back, so I cling to your promise that I am freed from my sin-slavery by your payment of death.
r.e.c.o.v.E.r.y.
BOOK:
Evaluate all of realtionships, off forgiveneness to those who have hurt me and make ammends for harm I've done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.
"Happy are those who are merciful." Matthew 5:7
"Happy are those who work for Peace." Matthew 5:9
ME:
To these people I make amends and ask forgiveness for my offenses against them or offer them forgiveness for thier hurts against me:
Dulcea
Doretta
Nathan
Lois
Dave F.
Dave K.
Dave C.
Uncle Dave (I am seeing a pattern of Dave hating...might need investigation)
Brent
He who hurt me...(this is in the process of healing)
Nyhki
New Covenant
Vineyard
Pastor Bob
Cynthia
Jeanine
Jodi
Emily
Jimmy
Natalie
Tommy
Johnny
Sarah
Scott
Betsy
Brenda C.
That one guy whose memory is there, but not the name
My mother
My sister
My son
For all the sins I have committed against these people and any sins they have against me I offer them up to you, Oh High God...They are your nails and I praise you for your cleansing blood...
r.e.c.o.v.e.R.y.
BOOK:
Reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will.
ME:
AM/PM Bible times (working on it, so much more than before)
Prayer for self and Cian (that too has increased in quantity and quality, huh Papa?)
Blogging/journal for testiment of Your Works and for outreach
r.e.c.o.v.e.r.Y.
BOOK:
Yield myself to God to be used to bring this Good ?News to tohers, bith by my example and by my words.
"Happy are those who are persecuted because they do what God requires."
ME:
This is the stepping out in faith (the courage-see previous posts) step that I so desperately want to embody. I acually want Christ to embody me? Is that how I would say it...I want to be soo filled that I can't help but shine...I want to twinkle minute by minute and Shine daily...I love you, Papa...
The End
Friday, May 16, 2008
Catch-up, choices, and chaos...
Here is a devulging of the innermost...Its like vomitting your emotion...So bear with me, some makes sense, some doesn't...I have to remind myself not to "proofread" as I type. But I haven't blogged in a while, journalled almost as little, but when I have journaled I have been good at it...Long and hardy words of me...So here is my life in a nutshell to this point...like I said, bear with me. Some are older entries and some are newer and I may combine two in to one post, or I may break them all down...And if you read my words and think, what is her problem, she is so not suffereing, then A) I didn't communicate clearly enough, B) you should ask for me to pray for you cause you may be worse off, and C) you broke the only rule I had in reading my blogs--Don't judge me please!
Out of the mouth of babes...
This is a journaling dictated by my son in Oct of 2007. There are actually three entries in one.
Courage-by Cian Bailey (as dictated to Mom)
You ask me, "What is Courage?"
Courage is in yoour body. God gives you courage. If you don't have courage, you are in danger. It's liek a deer in hunting season. But, if you do have courage, you are a lion with a big feast of gazelles, elephant, and antelope. Courage is not umping into a cage of crocodiles. Courage is telling your freind that stealing is wrong when they take candy at the store. Courage is saying you're sorry when you do something wrong. Courage is goign where God wants you to, even if you don't understand. That's what courage is for me...
Like I said, out of the mouths of babes comes much wisdom...Actually Cian Andrew Bailey means "Keeper of ancient wisdom" or "Protector of Ancient wisdom." How awesome God knew exactly what name would fit him best...each hair on his head is counted and I praise God for the blessings poured upon my son! Praise God in His highest temples and His lowest valleys!
Sometimes I am...By Cian Bailey (as dictated to his Momma)
Sometimes I am...
...Angry like a lion. Roaring and gnashing my teeth.
...Happy like a baby monkey. Laughing, playing, and chattering with my friends.
...Sad like an egg in a nest. All alone I wait for my mama.
...Scared like a deer. Hiding in the shadows, listening for the sounds of evening.
...Frustrated like an alligator with no breakfast. Swimming and searching and crying.
...Calm like a butterfly drinking his nectar in a field of flowers.
...Wild like a baby cheetah. Pouncing, prancing and carrying-on.
And sometimes, I am me.
What equals Me By Cian Bailey (as dictated to Mom-very similar to "Sometimes I am...")
Sometimes I am scared as a lizard.
Sometimes I am brave asa shark searching for a meal in a sea of dolphins.
Sometimes I am happy as a butterfly.
Sometimes I am sad as a hound dog.
Sometimes I am lucky as a bird.
Sometimes I am unlucky as the bug.
And guess what?
Lizard+shark+butterfly+hound dog+bird+bug=ME!
I am proud and I think bias aside, I should be...don't you?
Courage-by Cian Bailey (as dictated to Mom)
You ask me, "What is Courage?"
Courage is in yoour body. God gives you courage. If you don't have courage, you are in danger. It's liek a deer in hunting season. But, if you do have courage, you are a lion with a big feast of gazelles, elephant, and antelope. Courage is not umping into a cage of crocodiles. Courage is telling your freind that stealing is wrong when they take candy at the store. Courage is saying you're sorry when you do something wrong. Courage is goign where God wants you to, even if you don't understand. That's what courage is for me...
Like I said, out of the mouths of babes comes much wisdom...Actually Cian Andrew Bailey means "Keeper of ancient wisdom" or "Protector of Ancient wisdom." How awesome God knew exactly what name would fit him best...each hair on his head is counted and I praise God for the blessings poured upon my son! Praise God in His highest temples and His lowest valleys!
Sometimes I am...By Cian Bailey (as dictated to his Momma)
Sometimes I am...
...Angry like a lion. Roaring and gnashing my teeth.
...Happy like a baby monkey. Laughing, playing, and chattering with my friends.
...Sad like an egg in a nest. All alone I wait for my mama.
...Scared like a deer. Hiding in the shadows, listening for the sounds of evening.
...Frustrated like an alligator with no breakfast. Swimming and searching and crying.
...Calm like a butterfly drinking his nectar in a field of flowers.
...Wild like a baby cheetah. Pouncing, prancing and carrying-on.
And sometimes, I am me.
What equals Me By Cian Bailey (as dictated to Mom-very similar to "Sometimes I am...")
Sometimes I am scared as a lizard.
Sometimes I am brave asa shark searching for a meal in a sea of dolphins.
Sometimes I am happy as a butterfly.
Sometimes I am sad as a hound dog.
Sometimes I am lucky as a bird.
Sometimes I am unlucky as the bug.
And guess what?
Lizard+shark+butterfly+hound dog+bird+bug=ME!
I am proud and I think bias aside, I should be...don't you?
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
R.E.C.O.V.E.R.Y.
So I started this book a while back and was hurting so much I quit. But sometimes the pain means healing, so I started it over. It is "Life's Healing Choices" and it goes through eight steps(principles) based on the Beatitudes in Matthew 5 that are God's keys to finding happiness. Not perfection, contentment and healing kind of happiness, the freedom kind of happiness...So you will see each step laid out in the following in the folling manor. A brief of each with comments from me. And then as I complete each chapter (step) I will be blogging more... So here goes...Intro...
A girl and her world. Outwardly chipper, bright and sassy; but inside was being shredded by haunting memories both conscious and unconscious...Her life seemed impossible to fix and the feelings lasted. She ran (in very "expensive running shoes", her friend told her) to places far and near, searching for something, anything to make the pain go away. Change the scene, change the child? Suicide was not an option, but a tasty theory. She had tried everything--alcohol, drugs, sex, pills, busy-ness, church (just the empty act of going, no connection), friends, family-nothing was working. She wanted a different life, a different time, she wanted to know WHY? Why she felt like her life was so chaotic, so jagged. She stood in the mirror and cried...That young girl is trapped in me...It's time she was free...
A girl and her world. Outwardly chipper, bright and sassy; but inside was being shredded by haunting memories both conscious and unconscious...Her life seemed impossible to fix and the feelings lasted. She ran (in very "expensive running shoes", her friend told her) to places far and near, searching for something, anything to make the pain go away. Change the scene, change the child? Suicide was not an option, but a tasty theory. She had tried everything--alcohol, drugs, sex, pills, busy-ness, church (just the empty act of going, no connection), friends, family-nothing was working. She wanted a different life, a different time, she wanted to know WHY? Why she felt like her life was so chaotic, so jagged. She stood in the mirror and cried...That young girl is trapped in me...It's time she was free...
Jagged...
The previous post was so needed right now. There are a million things going on that I could vent about in a negative way, but instead I am embracing the Celebrate Recovery lifestyle and this is the journeying I have done with that program...please understand that the wounds that have been given to me by others and myself are not from a fine knife, that would leave a clean wound, one that would heal well and quickly. No these wounds were caused by a jagged piece, one held firmly by a young girl that began a poem twelve years ago with "Red blood spills on the floor tiles forever scarred..." That kind of jagged wounding. The scars are ugly and all the wounds have yet to heal, but God the uber-surgeon of heart repair is here and He is working in my life. But with a warning, these again are my raw emotions and I say very open things. I am not looking for judgement or advice. This is just my little way to let the rest of the world know that Christians struggle (Job?) and that its okay...I just need to get it out...The truth will set us free...
Grace (excerpt from Sept 2006 journal)
Ok, this is a journal excerpt from 2006! It is SOOO relevant in my life right now...
I am reading about the grace of God right now and I gotta be honest. I feel bi-polar, schizo, multiple personality--down one minute (Romans 1-3) and up the next (Romans 3:20 to end). Whew! I read about how awful we humans are (tsunami of guilt much?) and how perfection is needed and we will never be that. Um, hi, big bummer. Totally hopeless, right? The BAM! God plops a big, fat helping of Grace and says "Of course you can't, but I CAN!" Oh, wow that was close. I wasn't sure if I would ever get out of my pjs again. Just when I think I can't sink any lower, you go and completely redeem me. A new creation, you say? That is so hard to fathom. I don't look new outwardly, but I do feel a bit more, oh what's the word, yeah, NEW, inside. I am thinking more now about life, love, and how I fit in to this puzzle we call living for Christ. What's His plan? Well, for me to go to heaven..given. But this earthly plan question seems to be a recurring theme for me. Maybe I am missing the obvious.
"Experience my love"
Maybe I need to pray harder?
"Experience my love"
I don't know. I will just sit and wait. Maybe I need to sit and wait.
"Experience my grace"
What? God? Did you say something?
"Experience my love. Experience my Grace."
Oh, that's your plan?
"Experience my love. Experience my Grace."
Ok, if you say so. That's what I will do. Thanks. I love you, dad.
I am reading about the grace of God right now and I gotta be honest. I feel bi-polar, schizo, multiple personality--down one minute (Romans 1-3) and up the next (Romans 3:20 to end). Whew! I read about how awful we humans are (tsunami of guilt much?) and how perfection is needed and we will never be that. Um, hi, big bummer. Totally hopeless, right? The BAM! God plops a big, fat helping of Grace and says "Of course you can't, but I CAN!" Oh, wow that was close. I wasn't sure if I would ever get out of my pjs again. Just when I think I can't sink any lower, you go and completely redeem me. A new creation, you say? That is so hard to fathom. I don't look new outwardly, but I do feel a bit more, oh what's the word, yeah, NEW, inside. I am thinking more now about life, love, and how I fit in to this puzzle we call living for Christ. What's His plan? Well, for me to go to heaven..given. But this earthly plan question seems to be a recurring theme for me. Maybe I am missing the obvious.
"Experience my love"
Maybe I need to pray harder?
"Experience my love"
I don't know. I will just sit and wait. Maybe I need to sit and wait.
"Experience my grace"
What? God? Did you say something?
"Experience my love. Experience my Grace."
Oh, that's your plan?
"Experience my love. Experience my Grace."
Ok, if you say so. That's what I will do. Thanks. I love you, dad.
Friday, March 21, 2008
On the mend...
Ok, so I haven't written a blog in a few (give or take). I have been quite ill and than God for healing mercy cause I am over it, for the most part.
While I was sick I had so many weird dreams. That ever happen to you? To be honest some of them were very cathartic (kind of like getting my hair cut). I have been so upset by the flood of memories of my past abuse that it has been overwhelming, to say the least. I know that the punishment of death from the Eden episode, goes so much deeper than just an earthly expiration date. Soemtimes I think that there are multiple wasy to die. Like your hope can die. I had for years a hope, an ideal, a desire to have a father that loved me and not himself. I wanted a father that did the daddy/daughter things I thought daddies and daughters did. But when I started having flashbacks and revelations last year, I realized that my grief was not for what was done to me, but because that dream can never be. He took away from me the one thing every little girl desires--a man to uncinditionally love her. He didn't do that for me. He stole that dream in every way possible. He stole my innocence, my youth, my dreams. He made it impossible for me to understand a man. My grief was overwhelming. No man would walk me down the aisle. No daddy/daughter dance at my wedding, no "World's greatest grandpa" shirts at christmas, no passing down of great family traditions. No instead I would get desperation for male affections, a totally anger filled heart with no understanding as to why because I buried the hurts so deep they wouldn't resurface for many years. I got the short end and I wanted to be mad at God. I wanted to scream and pound my fists and ask why!?!?! For your sake, why?!?!!? I still don't understand why, but I understand now that God did not do this. My earthly father did. And he had free-will. If I have learned nothing else through this bad experience, if any good came froem it, it was that God gave us free-will and that is a most powerful gift.
If God had removed my father's free-will to abuse, then he would have had to remove my mother's free-will to give. And my free-will to give and my familys' free-will to support. If God took only the bad free-will, then he would have to do it by doing what He originally started back in Noah's day and actually destroy all life and start again. BUT, He didn't. He loved us too much. He had other plans for us, plans that show me more than any human ever could about what unconditional, unending, unjust love is. It is through my real Father, my heavenly creator that I have found out about what real love is. If I had not experinced all that I have experienced then I amy have taken this more serious granted. (I think I do to a point anyway) But, I know now that His love is so much deeper than any love I could seek out here on Earth and that heals so much more than I thought it could. I still won't have the wedding dreams with a father on my arm, but I will have a mother who sacrificed more than any man could have for me. Through God, my father, I have been able to see teh incredible powerful woman that she is. A real inspiration. She doesn't always feel that she is, but she is. And with Easter coming I am once again able to thank a man for what He did for me, by dying on a cross, conquering death, and rising to my future home and setting in motion one of the greatest love stories I will ever be able to tell. So, Thank you, Jesus, Thank you, Abba Father, Thank you, Mother, and thanks dad. Cuase without you none of this would have come to pass. ANd although that would have been what I view as better, you had free-will and through your pain and abuse, I found a truer love than you would have ever been able to give. So, now that this rembling is finished, say thanks to your father, mother, Abba, and Jesus..
Thanks
While I was sick I had so many weird dreams. That ever happen to you? To be honest some of them were very cathartic (kind of like getting my hair cut). I have been so upset by the flood of memories of my past abuse that it has been overwhelming, to say the least. I know that the punishment of death from the Eden episode, goes so much deeper than just an earthly expiration date. Soemtimes I think that there are multiple wasy to die. Like your hope can die. I had for years a hope, an ideal, a desire to have a father that loved me and not himself. I wanted a father that did the daddy/daughter things I thought daddies and daughters did. But when I started having flashbacks and revelations last year, I realized that my grief was not for what was done to me, but because that dream can never be. He took away from me the one thing every little girl desires--a man to uncinditionally love her. He didn't do that for me. He stole that dream in every way possible. He stole my innocence, my youth, my dreams. He made it impossible for me to understand a man. My grief was overwhelming. No man would walk me down the aisle. No daddy/daughter dance at my wedding, no "World's greatest grandpa" shirts at christmas, no passing down of great family traditions. No instead I would get desperation for male affections, a totally anger filled heart with no understanding as to why because I buried the hurts so deep they wouldn't resurface for many years. I got the short end and I wanted to be mad at God. I wanted to scream and pound my fists and ask why!?!?! For your sake, why?!?!!? I still don't understand why, but I understand now that God did not do this. My earthly father did. And he had free-will. If I have learned nothing else through this bad experience, if any good came froem it, it was that God gave us free-will and that is a most powerful gift.
If God had removed my father's free-will to abuse, then he would have had to remove my mother's free-will to give. And my free-will to give and my familys' free-will to support. If God took only the bad free-will, then he would have to do it by doing what He originally started back in Noah's day and actually destroy all life and start again. BUT, He didn't. He loved us too much. He had other plans for us, plans that show me more than any human ever could about what unconditional, unending, unjust love is. It is through my real Father, my heavenly creator that I have found out about what real love is. If I had not experinced all that I have experienced then I amy have taken this more serious granted. (I think I do to a point anyway) But, I know now that His love is so much deeper than any love I could seek out here on Earth and that heals so much more than I thought it could. I still won't have the wedding dreams with a father on my arm, but I will have a mother who sacrificed more than any man could have for me. Through God, my father, I have been able to see teh incredible powerful woman that she is. A real inspiration. She doesn't always feel that she is, but she is. And with Easter coming I am once again able to thank a man for what He did for me, by dying on a cross, conquering death, and rising to my future home and setting in motion one of the greatest love stories I will ever be able to tell. So, Thank you, Jesus, Thank you, Abba Father, Thank you, Mother, and thanks dad. Cuase without you none of this would have come to pass. ANd although that would have been what I view as better, you had free-will and through your pain and abuse, I found a truer love than you would have ever been able to give. So, now that this rembling is finished, say thanks to your father, mother, Abba, and Jesus..
Thanks
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