Ok, so I haven't written a blog in a few (give or take). I have been quite ill and than God for healing mercy cause I am over it, for the most part.
While I was sick I had so many weird dreams. That ever happen to you? To be honest some of them were very cathartic (kind of like getting my hair cut). I have been so upset by the flood of memories of my past abuse that it has been overwhelming, to say the least. I know that the punishment of death from the Eden episode, goes so much deeper than just an earthly expiration date. Soemtimes I think that there are multiple wasy to die. Like your hope can die. I had for years a hope, an ideal, a desire to have a father that loved me and not himself. I wanted a father that did the daddy/daughter things I thought daddies and daughters did. But when I started having flashbacks and revelations last year, I realized that my grief was not for what was done to me, but because that dream can never be. He took away from me the one thing every little girl desires--a man to uncinditionally love her. He didn't do that for me. He stole that dream in every way possible. He stole my innocence, my youth, my dreams. He made it impossible for me to understand a man. My grief was overwhelming. No man would walk me down the aisle. No daddy/daughter dance at my wedding, no "World's greatest grandpa" shirts at christmas, no passing down of great family traditions. No instead I would get desperation for male affections, a totally anger filled heart with no understanding as to why because I buried the hurts so deep they wouldn't resurface for many years. I got the short end and I wanted to be mad at God. I wanted to scream and pound my fists and ask why!?!?! For your sake, why?!?!!? I still don't understand why, but I understand now that God did not do this. My earthly father did. And he had free-will. If I have learned nothing else through this bad experience, if any good came froem it, it was that God gave us free-will and that is a most powerful gift.
If God had removed my father's free-will to abuse, then he would have had to remove my mother's free-will to give. And my free-will to give and my familys' free-will to support. If God took only the bad free-will, then he would have to do it by doing what He originally started back in Noah's day and actually destroy all life and start again. BUT, He didn't. He loved us too much. He had other plans for us, plans that show me more than any human ever could about what unconditional, unending, unjust love is. It is through my real Father, my heavenly creator that I have found out about what real love is. If I had not experinced all that I have experienced then I amy have taken this more serious granted. (I think I do to a point anyway) But, I know now that His love is so much deeper than any love I could seek out here on Earth and that heals so much more than I thought it could. I still won't have the wedding dreams with a father on my arm, but I will have a mother who sacrificed more than any man could have for me. Through God, my father, I have been able to see teh incredible powerful woman that she is. A real inspiration. She doesn't always feel that she is, but she is. And with Easter coming I am once again able to thank a man for what He did for me, by dying on a cross, conquering death, and rising to my future home and setting in motion one of the greatest love stories I will ever be able to tell. So, Thank you, Jesus, Thank you, Abba Father, Thank you, Mother, and thanks dad. Cuase without you none of this would have come to pass. ANd although that would have been what I view as better, you had free-will and through your pain and abuse, I found a truer love than you would have ever been able to give. So, now that this rembling is finished, say thanks to your father, mother, Abba, and Jesus..
Thanks
Friday, March 21, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Prayer...
That is what I need. I am sick and don't want to be. I have had to miss work and jsut feel like overall poo-poo. Thanks...
Monday, March 10, 2008
Playing Hooky and Behind Bars
I got behind in blogging, well lost steam, got busy, had a life fest...whatever you call it I am now playing catch up. So here is one last...It floored me that this was spoken to me. It is SOOO releant in my life right now...all of it was...History, I think does repeat itself, IF we do not look to God to help us change that...
John 8:36-"So, if the son sets you free, you are free indeed."
Picture the blackness, the damp cement walls, the srusty bars, the musty smell, the lack of real light. You know where I mean, I don't have to tell you. Are you there? I don't mean physically, I mean spiritually? Who condemned you? Your parents? Your friends? Your boss? YOURSELF? So many times we end up in a rut, a prison, captive to our own rules, our own condemnation holding us there. It doesn't have to be...You are free from the bondage of sin...Christ cam so that you could be free. Galatians 5:1-"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." You are nota captive anymore-you are unshackled, you owe no debt, it has been paid for. Will you accept the gift and walk out new? Or will you stay in your cell?
John 8:36-"So, if the son sets you free, you are free indeed."
Picture the blackness, the damp cement walls, the srusty bars, the musty smell, the lack of real light. You know where I mean, I don't have to tell you. Are you there? I don't mean physically, I mean spiritually? Who condemned you? Your parents? Your friends? Your boss? YOURSELF? So many times we end up in a rut, a prison, captive to our own rules, our own condemnation holding us there. It doesn't have to be...You are free from the bondage of sin...Christ cam so that you could be free. Galatians 5:1-"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." You are nota captive anymore-you are unshackled, you owe no debt, it has been paid for. Will you accept the gift and walk out new? Or will you stay in your cell?
Pained to Precious
This is another reminiscent journal entry I had...
It seems God is working with themes in my life. One fantastic, Christ-centeres theme oark ride after another.
First, there was the "lines at the gate" lesson-a lesson in patience and also a lesson in asking for help. I needed to learn that I might not be able to open the door, but if I knock and wait patiently the Lied will open those opportunities, uh, Imean doors when the timing is perfect.
Then, there was the "House of (no)Fear." This was the ride where God showed me how to put it all into His Hands-no matter what pops up-and He will handle it! I have no reason to fear or worry.
The third was (and still is) when I visited the "gift shop." It was there that I could witness all those things counted precious among men are made. First I saw the silversmith work, holding the raw material in teh center of the fire-the hottest point-until the silver is refined and he can see Himself in it. Then I got the pearl "refinery." There I found that it takes a rough, painful grain of sand and perfect timing to culture a perfect pearl. Next I saw the gemstones (rubies, peridot, quartz), which all seem to start deep within ugly rock-only to be dicovered through laborious work. Lastly, I saw the Diamonds, set aside for their viewings. What starts as a black, run of the mill, piece of coal placed under enormous amounts of pressure and great heat becomes a thing of such great value. A light-reflecting, one of a kind masterpiece. It was here, in the gift shop, I learned the most profound thing I have learned in my walk with Christ. Nothing precius is made from the outside in--alwasy from the inside out. And nothing precius is made without some sort of refining process. I saw myself there in the gift shop in the various stages of refinery, but all with the same destination--to be a precious, light-reflecting piece of God's own design. I am going from pained to precious and I know because I am God's!
It seems God is working with themes in my life. One fantastic, Christ-centeres theme oark ride after another.
First, there was the "lines at the gate" lesson-a lesson in patience and also a lesson in asking for help. I needed to learn that I might not be able to open the door, but if I knock and wait patiently the Lied will open those opportunities, uh, Imean doors when the timing is perfect.
Then, there was the "House of (no)Fear." This was the ride where God showed me how to put it all into His Hands-no matter what pops up-and He will handle it! I have no reason to fear or worry.
The third was (and still is) when I visited the "gift shop." It was there that I could witness all those things counted precious among men are made. First I saw the silversmith work, holding the raw material in teh center of the fire-the hottest point-until the silver is refined and he can see Himself in it. Then I got the pearl "refinery." There I found that it takes a rough, painful grain of sand and perfect timing to culture a perfect pearl. Next I saw the gemstones (rubies, peridot, quartz), which all seem to start deep within ugly rock-only to be dicovered through laborious work. Lastly, I saw the Diamonds, set aside for their viewings. What starts as a black, run of the mill, piece of coal placed under enormous amounts of pressure and great heat becomes a thing of such great value. A light-reflecting, one of a kind masterpiece. It was here, in the gift shop, I learned the most profound thing I have learned in my walk with Christ. Nothing precius is made from the outside in--alwasy from the inside out. And nothing precius is made without some sort of refining process. I saw myself there in the gift shop in the various stages of refinery, but all with the same destination--to be a precious, light-reflecting piece of God's own design. I am going from pained to precious and I know because I am God's!
Looking back...
They say that you should never look back, but I disagree--for two reasons. One is that by looking back you can take stock of where you were and where you are now. It seems overwhleming if you do this whtrough the eyes of a child of God. Don't take stock of your life according to the world, but according to where you feel God wants you to be right now and you will be surprised how far you have come. One big step gets you far, but a lot of tiny steps can get you farther. The second reason is I think you should alwasy look back--at your devotional/journal/diary/prayer keeper. Whatever you call it. If you don't keep a sermon record/thought-spot/wordwastebasket, then start, you wil be surprised how cathartic it can be... This said, I looked back today and found a really cool little blurb in my journal from when I was living in Montana. It goes as follows...(note the italics to indicate flashback sequence...lol)
Queueing
Psalm 27:14-"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"
I was reading my devotional (an excellent one by Max Lucado, "Experiencing the Heart of Jesus") and again I am spoken to. It makes me laugh how obvious God can be sometimes. I am in the middle of Nowhere, MT, for those of you who don't know. I knew before I came that's this was where God wanted me, but I don't know why. I try to pride myself on being patient, but we all know pride comes before a fall. And man did I fall when I got here, 1,500 miles from any loved ones, from any kindred spirits, from treasured family, from all that is familiar. I got here so thrilled to see what God had in store and well, He didn't reveal that to me the first hour, so I got antsy. It was like in the movie "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." The group is on a mission to save someone and find they have a long line to wait. One of the guys says, "Let me do it. I'm British, I know how to queue." Then about 6 seconds later he figures out he can't. That's me. I boast of Job-like patience and find I am more like porr British gut. I hate wait and and this week I was slipping into a serious pout. I would like to say sadness, funk, depression, but honestly it is a pout. I want to know how and why I am here. God is saying, "Wait on me. Trust me." This is sooo hard. Its not that I wanted to be impatient, but I was just being spiritually 2!! Then yesterday I went to bed without doing my devotion reading and ended up dpoing it this evening. Guess what it was about? WAITING! TRUSTING! Hello, Mcfly? (insert 'biff' on back of head here) I always smile when I am reprimanded. I think 'cause I know that means He listens to me and loves me enough to answer me--WAIT! The three study verses were:
Isaiah 30:18--"therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therfore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the the Lord is a God of justice, blessed are all those who wait for him."
Psalm 27:14--"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"
Lamentations 3:26--"It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
All speak on waiting for the Lord. Go figure. Needless to say that was the swift kick in the spiritual pants I needed to renew my patience in the Lord. So now when asked why I came to
Montana I can stop saying, "Uh...Well.." and say "Oh, I'm waiting on that, but don't worry--I;m a Christian and I know waiting!" lol-get it a reference to hitchiker's british guys words...ok...nevermind... (of course, this will be said not in pride, but in humble trust in God:})
Okay, fade back...lol...Now reading this served two purposes. One is that right now I am at a big crossroads and I want one thing and well, I am not sure what the Lord wants. I know I will go to Texas for Seminary, but when is the big Q...The second it reminded me that God spoke to me then, He will speak to me now. I just have to trust Him. So inclosing I want to thank my dad for always listening and guiding through His unconditional, unending, unjust, and merciful love. Thanks, Dad. I love you with all my heart, soul and mind and I am trying to love you more each day. And thanks to my first love, Jesus Christ, my knight in shining nailscars...You will always hold the key to my heart. I love you!
Queueing
Psalm 27:14-"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"
I was reading my devotional (an excellent one by Max Lucado, "Experiencing the Heart of Jesus") and again I am spoken to. It makes me laugh how obvious God can be sometimes. I am in the middle of Nowhere, MT, for those of you who don't know. I knew before I came that's this was where God wanted me, but I don't know why. I try to pride myself on being patient, but we all know pride comes before a fall. And man did I fall when I got here, 1,500 miles from any loved ones, from any kindred spirits, from treasured family, from all that is familiar. I got here so thrilled to see what God had in store and well, He didn't reveal that to me the first hour, so I got antsy. It was like in the movie "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." The group is on a mission to save someone and find they have a long line to wait. One of the guys says, "Let me do it. I'm British, I know how to queue." Then about 6 seconds later he figures out he can't. That's me. I boast of Job-like patience and find I am more like porr British gut. I hate wait and and this week I was slipping into a serious pout. I would like to say sadness, funk, depression, but honestly it is a pout. I want to know how and why I am here. God is saying, "Wait on me. Trust me." This is sooo hard. Its not that I wanted to be impatient, but I was just being spiritually 2!! Then yesterday I went to bed without doing my devotion reading and ended up dpoing it this evening. Guess what it was about? WAITING! TRUSTING! Hello, Mcfly? (insert 'biff' on back of head here) I always smile when I am reprimanded. I think 'cause I know that means He listens to me and loves me enough to answer me--WAIT! The three study verses were:
Isaiah 30:18--"therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therfore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the the Lord is a God of justice, blessed are all those who wait for him."
Psalm 27:14--"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"
Lamentations 3:26--"It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
All speak on waiting for the Lord. Go figure. Needless to say that was the swift kick in the spiritual pants I needed to renew my patience in the Lord. So now when asked why I came to
Montana I can stop saying, "Uh...Well.." and say "Oh, I'm waiting on that, but don't worry--I;m a Christian and I know waiting!" lol-get it a reference to hitchiker's british guys words...ok...nevermind... (of course, this will be said not in pride, but in humble trust in God:})
Okay, fade back...lol...Now reading this served two purposes. One is that right now I am at a big crossroads and I want one thing and well, I am not sure what the Lord wants. I know I will go to Texas for Seminary, but when is the big Q...The second it reminded me that God spoke to me then, He will speak to me now. I just have to trust Him. So inclosing I want to thank my dad for always listening and guiding through His unconditional, unending, unjust, and merciful love. Thanks, Dad. I love you with all my heart, soul and mind and I am trying to love you more each day. And thanks to my first love, Jesus Christ, my knight in shining nailscars...You will always hold the key to my heart. I love you!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
UPDATE and PRAISE!!
Ok, so we all have hang-ups, habits and addictions that make life here on Earth a pain in the darrier(spelled right?). Anyhoo..Mine has been my unwillingness to grow as a mature financial minded person. I in now way feel the Lord prompting towards great un ending riches, but I have for about a while felt God encouraging me to fix my past debts, pay off current ones and ensure I don't accrue any more. Well, that sounded liek a completly daunting task and I have been hiding int he bushes about it ever since. "What? huh? Oh hey Lord, yeah I got that message, what (insert fake fuzzy cell phone noise here) can't here (here too) ok, well (again fuzzy noise) love you....click" That was what it was like. Then I had a moment. I guess you would call it a release of power and I gave the resistance up to God. It was WOW! Total burden lifted, literally. And I bought my three credit reports, plus score and fancy analysis (yuck, just as I thought)...BUT, I wasn't afraid I just hunkered down and got a goal and plan in mind and am following through on it. And oddly enough I am gonna have some pretty darn good fixed credit by August...Way less than if I paid someone to do it...Plus, God has been putting people in my life that have been helping. So I am really excited to see what more God can do with me the more power I relinquish to Him.
Finances are something I can't wait to hand over to my future husband, but for right now God is blessing me with clarity and ease in that area and I praise Him for that....Amen
Finances are something I can't wait to hand over to my future husband, but for right now God is blessing me with clarity and ease in that area and I praise Him for that....Amen
One more random funny...
Ok, so I was sitting typing one evening and I looked at my keyboard and realized that the top row of letters started with QWERTY...ok, so then it hit me that that is the reason why the Veggietales computer's name is Qwerty...lol...I have been watching those shows with my son for as long as I can remember and never got that before right now. Total duh moment...
Plans
Jeremiah 29:11-"For I know that plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper and not disaster, plans to bring you hope."
Think about it. God, creator of all in the universe, maker of all life and breath has a plan for me...little me. A mere speck in the whole of this place has a plan. This is both amaxzing and amazingly frightening. These plans are so wondrous and I on;y catch glimpses of them as I live. Sometimes I think I know the plans and the detsination, only to find that after a long journey and a hearty dig, there is just another piece of the blueprints. I am a work in progress, so pardon the dust.
Right now I am embarking on yet again a long distance journey. I know that the Lord is behind my motivation, but my patience is so non-existent that I pray that the Lor dis using that to my advantage...lol.
I pray that all my family members keep these plans in their prayers that even through failure God can make a success...I love you all and thanks for contiually reading...
Think about it. God, creator of all in the universe, maker of all life and breath has a plan for me...little me. A mere speck in the whole of this place has a plan. This is both amaxzing and amazingly frightening. These plans are so wondrous and I on;y catch glimpses of them as I live. Sometimes I think I know the plans and the detsination, only to find that after a long journey and a hearty dig, there is just another piece of the blueprints. I am a work in progress, so pardon the dust.
Right now I am embarking on yet again a long distance journey. I know that the Lord is behind my motivation, but my patience is so non-existent that I pray that the Lor dis using that to my advantage...lol.
I pray that all my family members keep these plans in their prayers that even through failure God can make a success...I love you all and thanks for contiually reading...
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