A Woman worth more than rubies or pearls...

Finding Freedom-Life's Healing Choices

2008-05-16T10:16:00.000-07:00

R.e.c.o.v.e.r.y.

BOOK:

Realize I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.

"Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor." Matthew 5:3

ME:

It is in the realization that I am sexually broken, that I am a sinner, I can begin to heal. I choose you, Lord, to come into me, Jesus, to be my guide. I confess these things to you in order to be healed-confession-the truth will set you fee. I confess: homosexuality, impure thoughts, encouraging sinful behavior in others (seduction), pre-marital sex, physical envy, sexual longing...I lay these with you at the cross. I give you control of this are of my life b/c obviously I have none of my own. My flesh is my muse, but I want you as my inspiration (Savior)! Lord, Christ Jesus, take the shame, fear, sin-slavery away. Make me happy knowing I am TOTALLY helpless! Spiritually poor, I beg at your feet.

I read a book recently (The Shack) that helped me see my Papa in a new way. To see God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in ways I never considered. I felt a newness that I haven't felt in a long time. I gave up the control (I am not perfect) and do so daily. For I cannot focus on past things and cannot focus on teh future, I must run the race her and now, the today! So Today, once again as yesterday and tomorrow, I give up myself to you. I give up this whirlwind of activity this chaos, this complete lack of understading, I give it to you. I also give you control! The reigns, the know...Take it and use me today, Papa. Take it and use me Today, Jesus. Take it and use me today, Holy Spirit. Take me to your places, not my own...Heal me in your ways, not my own and PRAISE BE TO YOU wh lifted burdens long since rooted in my spirit to make me wieghtless and blameless in your sight...East to West is how far you take that and in your control I find comfort knowing I don't have to fret, I can rest easy knowing you are in control...You are God and I am not...there is true freedom in those words...

r.E.c.o.v.e.r.y.

BOOK:

Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.

"Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4

ME:

Jagged edges leaves crooked scars. I have been jaded and mis-treated. I, in turn, have clung to anger and mistrust as my friends. Iwould be lying if I said that I loved God with my whole self-heart soul and mind. My statement would read closer to "I love God with my whole mind, whole soul, but only the parts of my heart I haven't shut up in shame and fear!" Shame shut up a great part of my heart, anger the other part and fear the biggest part b/c I was willing slave to those sins. I hurt myself, and others, then pitied myself-wallowing in it. Then upon hearing God's gentle, urging, voice I hid that part of me-Just as if in teh Garden, oh the Eve that I am. I tried to be my own god for so long, my own savior, that giving up those places I failed and then hid away (my skeletons) is the most frightening thing I am doing now, but also the most feeing. Fear b/c I had no idea (or have) how to love properly. I cannot even trust myself to fully love my son, unabashedly. My fear surfaces as brash and self-centeredness. I despise me and others, therefore I cannot believe a God can love me. (Note: this is an older journal entry, so there will be inserted updates that conflict the sentence before, just take it as it is..me) ...then I read His word, see the sunrise and get my manicure (thanks, Papa for that!) and realize He is not a man. He is beyond anyone I have known. He is my Papa, in the truest sense. He is my brother, my parent, my leader, my comforter, my EVERYTHING! HE IS TRUST in its purest form. And if I tallied every happy moment and took their sum, it still would not compare to one minute in Papa's prescence. He is wehre I want to be. ?he is the only think I believe in wholely and I realize and Earnestly know that I truly believe in Christ as my whole future...I am his beloved and He is mine. Suddenly I can feel some mortar and brick crumbling and walls weakening...jagged pieces can leave crooked scars, but really whoever appreciates the easy tasks. God will refine me through my fires. I earnestly believe this with my whole mind, body and yes....Heart!

r.e.C.o.v.e.r.y.

BOOK:

Consciously shoose to commit all my life and will to Christ's car and control.

"Happy are the meak." Matthew 5:5

ME:

How many times have I said the words, "Lord, come into my heart and lead me, Lord"? I have lost count. I said the salvation prayer many years ago and I knwo my name is in the Book of Life. BUT...I am the prodigal's daughter and I have had to lay with many swine before I realized how far from God I had run. Running away is, well, it is foolish (and expensive). The Bible clearly makes out the fool as doomed, so I don't want o be foolish. Upon coming back (running full throttle) into my Papa's welcome arms, I renew this statement more as a daily reminder to my flesh of who is really in control (Papa). So, now I consciously choose to commit all mu life and will to your care and control. Even when my flesh seems to veer off course, I give you the rod to draw me back...Take my wrong-will and replace it with your strong will...

As I said, I read "The Shack" and it gave me a glimpse into myself-the blame, shame, and name...I cling to the ideaology of God as my Papa, not my dad...Dad is (working on this) a dirty word for me. A person who causes hurt, not growth. But my Grandpa was not this way, so to think of God as a Papa, who cares for me the way a father should an to a fatherless child be a guide, then I begin to see the kind of love he has for me....So if I say Papa, I mean the only "man" who has ever really taken my interest to heart and followed me, protected me, disciplined me, and loved me UNABASHEDLY!

r.e.c.O.v.e.r.y.

BOOK:

Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, God, and to someone I trust.

"Happy are the pure in heart" Matthew 5:8

ME:

Open

Sins that I confess to have no control over...Giving them to Papa...

Laziness
Lying
Cheating
Adultery/envy
Glutton
murderous thoughts
gossip
anger
sloth
sexual immorality (sex, porn, masturbation, lust, jealousy, seduction, the list could go on, but you get the point)
ashamedness
wrecklessness
self-pity
discontentment
shallowness
impatience
unkindness
wicked tongue (gossip, harsh words, hypocrytical alliances, poisoness in nature)
judgement
And most of these are daily!

r.e.c.o.V.e.r.y

BOOK:

Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.

"Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires." Matthew 5:6

ME:

Where do I start? I will just say, "Plese excuse my dust, God has me under construction."

Lord, on the following (and previous) entries I wrote an iota of my sinful nature. I commit then to you. Give me one drop of our blood and I know they as far as East is from West. Please forgive me. I can't pay you back, so I cling to your promise that I am freed from my sin-slavery by your payment of death.

r.e.c.o.v.E.r.y.

BOOK:

Evaluate all of realtionships, off forgiveneness to those who have hurt me and make ammends for harm I've done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.

"Happy are those who are merciful." Matthew 5:7
"Happy are those who work for Peace." Matthew 5:9

ME:

To these people I make amends and ask forgiveness for my offenses against them or offer them forgiveness for thier hurts against me:

Dulcea
Doretta
Nathan
Lois
Dave F.
Dave K.
Dave C.
Uncle Dave (I am seeing a pattern of Dave hating...might need investigation)
Brent
He who hurt me...(this is in the process of healing)
Nyhki
New Covenant
Vineyard
Pastor Bob
Cynthia
Jeanine
Jodi
Emily
Jimmy
Natalie
Tommy
Johnny
Sarah
Scott
Betsy
Brenda C.
That one guy whose memory is there, but not the name
My mother
My sister
My son

For all the sins I have committed against these people and any sins they have against me I offer them up to you, Oh High God...They are your nails and I praise you for your cleansing blood...

r.e.c.o.v.e.R.y.

BOOK:

Reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will.

ME:

AM/PM Bible times (working on it, so much more than before)
Prayer for self and Cian (that too has increased in quantity and quality, huh Papa?)
Blogging/journal for testiment of Your Works and for outreach

r.e.c.o.v.e.r.Y.

BOOK:

Yield myself to God to be used to bring this Good ?News to tohers, bith by my example and by my words.

"Happy are those who are persecuted because they do what God requires."

ME:

This is the stepping out in faith (the courage-see previous posts) step that I so desperately want to embody. I acually want Christ to embody me? Is that how I would say it...I want to be soo filled that I can't help but shine...I want to twinkle minute by minute and Shine daily...I love you, Papa...

The End

Catch-up, choices, and chaos...

2008-05-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

Here is a devulging of the innermost...Its like vomitting your emotion...So bear with me, some makes sense, some doesn't...I have to remind myself not to "proofread" as I type. But I haven't blogged in a while, journalled almost as little, but when I have journaled I have been good at it...Long and hardy words of me...So here is my life in a nutshell to this point...like I said, bear with me. Some are older entries and some are newer and I may combine two in to one post, or I may break them all down...And if you read my words and think, what is her problem, she is so not suffereing, then A) I didn't communicate clearly enough, B) you should ask for me to pray for you cause you may be worse off, and C) you broke the only rule I had in reading my blogs--Don't judge me please!

Out of the mouth of babes...

2008-05-16T09:33:00.000-07:00

This is a journaling dictated by my son in Oct of 2007. There are actually three entries in one.

Courage-by Cian Bailey (as dictated to Mom)

You ask me, "What is Courage?"

Courage is in yoour body. God gives you courage. If you don't have courage, you are in danger. It's liek a deer in hunting season. But, if you do have courage, you are a lion with a big feast of gazelles, elephant, and antelope. Courage is not umping into a cage of crocodiles. Courage is telling your freind that stealing is wrong when they take candy at the store. Courage is saying you're sorry when you do something wrong. Courage is goign where God wants you to, even if you don't understand. That's what courage is for me...

Like I said, out of the mouths of babes comes much wisdom...Actually Cian Andrew Bailey means "Keeper of ancient wisdom" or "Protector of Ancient wisdom." How awesome God knew exactly what name would fit him best...each hair on his head is counted and I praise God for the blessings poured upon my son! Praise God in His highest temples and His lowest valleys!

Sometimes I am...By Cian Bailey (as dictated to his Momma)

Sometimes I am...

...Angry like a lion. Roaring and gnashing my teeth.

...Happy like a baby monkey. Laughing, playing, and chattering with my friends.

...Sad like an egg in a nest. All alone I wait for my mama.

...Scared like a deer. Hiding in the shadows, listening for the sounds of evening.

...Frustrated like an alligator with no breakfast. Swimming and searching and crying.

...Calm like a butterfly drinking his nectar in a field of flowers.

...Wild like a baby cheetah. Pouncing, prancing and carrying-on.

And sometimes, I am me.

What equals Me By Cian Bailey (as dictated to Mom-very similar to "Sometimes I am...")

Sometimes I am scared as a lizard.
Sometimes I am brave asa shark searching for a meal in a sea of dolphins.
Sometimes I am happy as a butterfly.
Sometimes I am sad as a hound dog.
Sometimes I am lucky as a bird.
Sometimes I am unlucky as the bug.
And guess what?
Lizard+shark+butterfly+hound dog+bird+bug=ME!

I am proud and I think bias aside, I should be...don't you?

R.E.C.O.V.E.R.Y.

2008-05-07T10:03:00.000-07:00

So I started this book a while back and was hurting so much I quit. But sometimes the pain means healing, so I started it over. It is "Life's Healing Choices" and it goes through eight steps(principles) based on the Beatitudes in Matthew 5 that are God's keys to finding happiness. Not perfection, contentment and healing kind of happiness, the freedom kind of happiness...So you will see each step laid out in the following in the folling manor. A brief of each with comments from me. And then as I complete each chapter (step) I will be blogging more... So here goes...Intro...

A girl and her world. Outwardly chipper, bright and sassy; but inside was being shredded by haunting memories both conscious and unconscious...Her life seemed impossible to fix and the feelings lasted. She ran (in very "expensive running shoes", her friend told her) to places far and near, searching for something, anything to make the pain go away. Change the scene, change the child? Suicide was not an option, but a tasty theory. She had tried everything--alcohol, drugs, sex, pills, busy-ness, church (just the empty act of going, no connection), friends, family-nothing was working. She wanted a different life, a different time, she wanted to know WHY? Why she felt like her life was so chaotic, so jagged. She stood in the mirror and cried...That young girl is trapped in me...It's time she was free...

Jagged...

2008-05-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

The previous post was so needed right now. There are a million things going on that I could vent about in a negative way, but instead I am embracing the Celebrate Recovery lifestyle and this is the journeying I have done with that program...please understand that the wounds that have been given to me by others and myself are not from a fine knife, that would leave a clean wound, one that would heal well and quickly. No these wounds were caused by a jagged piece, one held firmly by a young girl that began a poem twelve years ago with "Red blood spills on the floor tiles forever scarred..." That kind of jagged wounding. The scars are ugly and all the wounds have yet to heal, but God the uber-surgeon of heart repair is here and He is working in my life. But with a warning, these again are my raw emotions and I say very open things. I am not looking for judgement or advice. This is just my little way to let the rest of the world know that Christians struggle (Job?) and that its okay...I just need to get it out...The truth will set us free...

Grace (excerpt from Sept 2006 journal)

2008-05-07T09:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, this is a journal excerpt from 2006! It is SOOO relevant in my life right now...

I am reading about the grace of God right now and I gotta be honest. I feel bi-polar, schizo, multiple personality--down one minute (Romans 1-3) and up the next (Romans 3:20 to end). Whew! I read about how awful we humans are (tsunami of guilt much?) and how perfection is needed and we will never be that. Um, hi, big bummer. Totally hopeless, right? The BAM! God plops a big, fat helping of Grace and says "Of course you can't, but I CAN!" Oh, wow that was close. I wasn't sure if I would ever get out of my pjs again. Just when I think I can't sink any lower, you go and completely redeem me. A new creation, you say? That is so hard to fathom. I don't look new outwardly, but I do feel a bit more, oh what's the word, yeah, NEW, inside. I am thinking more now about life, love, and how I fit in to this puzzle we call living for Christ. What's His plan? Well, for me to go to heaven..given. But this earthly plan question seems to be a recurring theme for me. Maybe I am missing the obvious.

"Experience my love"

Maybe I need to pray harder?

"Experience my love"

I don't know. I will just sit and wait. Maybe I need to sit and wait.

"Experience my grace"

What? God? Did you say something?

"Experience my love. Experience my Grace."

Oh, that's your plan?

"Experience my love. Experience my Grace."

Ok, if you say so. That's what I will do. Thanks. I love you, dad.

On the mend...

2008-03-21T06:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I haven't written a blog in a few (give or take). I have been quite ill and than God for healing mercy cause I am over it, for the most part.

While I was sick I had so many weird dreams. That ever happen to you? To be honest some of them were very cathartic (kind of like getting my hair cut). I have been so upset by the flood of memories of my past abuse that it has been overwhelming, to say the least. I know that the punishment of death from the Eden episode, goes so much deeper than just an earthly expiration date. Soemtimes I think that there are multiple wasy to die. Like your hope can die. I had for years a hope, an ideal, a desire to have a father that loved me and not himself. I wanted a father that did the daddy/daughter things I thought daddies and daughters did. But when I started having flashbacks and revelations last year, I realized that my grief was not for what was done to me, but because that dream can never be. He took away from me the one thing every little girl desires--a man to uncinditionally love her. He didn't do that for me. He stole that dream in every way possible. He stole my innocence, my youth, my dreams. He made it impossible for me to understand a man. My grief was overwhelming. No man would walk me down the aisle. No daddy/daughter dance at my wedding, no "World's greatest grandpa" shirts at christmas, no passing down of great family traditions. No instead I would get desperation for male affections, a totally anger filled heart with no understanding as to why because I buried the hurts so deep they wouldn't resurface for many years. I got the short end and I wanted to be mad at God. I wanted to scream and pound my fists and ask why!?!?! For your sake, why?!?!!? I still don't understand why, but I understand now that God did not do this. My earthly father did. And he had free-will. If I have learned nothing else through this bad experience, if any good came froem it, it was that God gave us free-will and that is a most powerful gift.
If God had removed my father's free-will to abuse, then he would have had to remove my mother's free-will to give. And my free-will to give and my familys' free-will to support. If God took only the bad free-will, then he would have to do it by doing what He originally started back in Noah's day and actually destroy all life and start again. BUT, He didn't. He loved us too much. He had other plans for us, plans that show me more than any human ever could about what unconditional, unending, unjust love is. It is through my real Father, my heavenly creator that I have found out about what real love is. If I had not experinced all that I have experienced then I amy have taken this more serious granted. (I think I do to a point anyway) But, I know now that His love is so much deeper than any love I could seek out here on Earth and that heals so much more than I thought it could. I still won't have the wedding dreams with a father on my arm, but I will have a mother who sacrificed more than any man could have for me. Through God, my father, I have been able to see teh incredible powerful woman that she is. A real inspiration. She doesn't always feel that she is, but she is. And with Easter coming I am once again able to thank a man for what He did for me, by dying on a cross, conquering death, and rising to my future home and setting in motion one of the greatest love stories I will ever be able to tell. So, Thank you, Jesus, Thank you, Abba Father, Thank you, Mother, and thanks dad. Cuase without you none of this would have come to pass. ANd although that would have been what I view as better, you had free-will and through your pain and abuse, I found a truer love than you would have ever been able to give. So, now that this rembling is finished, say thanks to your father, mother, Abba, and Jesus..
Thanks

Prayer...

2008-03-19T17:58:00.000-07:00

That is what I need. I am sick and don't want to be. I have had to miss work and jsut feel like overall poo-poo. Thanks...

Playing Hooky and Behind Bars

2008-03-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

I got behind in blogging, well lost steam, got busy, had a life fest...whatever you call it I am now playing catch up. So here is one last...It floored me that this was spoken to me. It is SOOO releant in my life right now...all of it was...History, I think does repeat itself, IF we do not look to God to help us change that...

John 8:36-"So, if the son sets you free, you are free indeed."

Picture the blackness, the damp cement walls, the srusty bars, the musty smell, the lack of real light. You know where I mean, I don't have to tell you. Are you there? I don't mean physically, I mean spiritually? Who condemned you? Your parents? Your friends? Your boss? YOURSELF? So many times we end up in a rut, a prison, captive to our own rules, our own condemnation holding us there. It doesn't have to be...You are free from the bondage of sin...Christ cam so that you could be free. Galatians 5:1-"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." You are nota captive anymore-you are unshackled, you owe no debt, it has been paid for. Will you accept the gift and walk out new? Or will you stay in your cell?

Pained to Precious

2008-03-10T20:04:00.001-07:00

This is another reminiscent journal entry I had...

It seems God is working with themes in my life. One fantastic, Christ-centeres theme oark ride after another.
First, there was the "lines at the gate" lesson-a lesson in patience and also a lesson in asking for help. I needed to learn that I might not be able to open the door, but if I knock and wait patiently the Lied will open those opportunities, uh, Imean doors when the timing is perfect.
Then, there was the "House of (no)Fear." This was the ride where God showed me how to put it all into His Hands-no matter what pops up-and He will handle it! I have no reason to fear or worry.
The third was (and still is) when I visited the "gift shop." It was there that I could witness all those things counted precious among men are made. First I saw the silversmith work, holding the raw material in teh center of the fire-the hottest point-until the silver is refined and he can see Himself in it. Then I got the pearl "refinery." There I found that it takes a rough, painful grain of sand and perfect timing to culture a perfect pearl. Next I saw the gemstones (rubies, peridot, quartz), which all seem to start deep within ugly rock-only to be dicovered through laborious work. Lastly, I saw the Diamonds, set aside for their viewings. What starts as a black, run of the mill, piece of coal placed under enormous amounts of pressure and great heat becomes a thing of such great value. A light-reflecting, one of a kind masterpiece. It was here, in the gift shop, I learned the most profound thing I have learned in my walk with Christ. Nothing precius is made from the outside in--alwasy from the inside out. And nothing precius is made without some sort of refining process. I saw myself there in the gift shop in the various stages of refinery, but all with the same destination--to be a precious, light-reflecting piece of God's own design. I am going from pained to precious and I know because I am God's!

Looking back...

2008-03-10T18:07:00.000-07:00

They say that you should never look back, but I disagree--for two reasons. One is that by looking back you can take stock of where you were and where you are now. It seems overwhleming if you do this whtrough the eyes of a child of God. Don't take stock of your life according to the world, but according to where you feel God wants you to be right now and you will be surprised how far you have come. One big step gets you far, but a lot of tiny steps can get you farther. The second reason is I think you should alwasy look back--at your devotional/journal/diary/prayer keeper. Whatever you call it. If you don't keep a sermon record/thought-spot/wordwastebasket, then start, you wil be surprised how cathartic it can be... This said, I looked back today and found a really cool little blurb in my journal from when I was living in Montana. It goes as follows...(note the italics to indicate flashback sequence...lol)

Queueing
Psalm 27:14-"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"

I was reading my devotional (an excellent one by Max Lucado, "Experiencing the Heart of Jesus") and again I am spoken to. It makes me laugh how obvious God can be sometimes. I am in the middle of Nowhere, MT, for those of you who don't know. I knew before I came that's this was where God wanted me, but I don't know why. I try to pride myself on being patient, but we all know pride comes before a fall. And man did I fall when I got here, 1,500 miles from any loved ones, from any kindred spirits, from treasured family, from all that is familiar. I got here so thrilled to see what God had in store and well, He didn't reveal that to me the first hour, so I got antsy. It was like in the movie "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." The group is on a mission to save someone and find they have a long line to wait. One of the guys says, "Let me do it. I'm British, I know how to queue." Then about 6 seconds later he figures out he can't. That's me. I boast of Job-like patience and find I am more like porr British gut. I hate wait and and this week I was slipping into a serious pout. I would like to say sadness, funk, depression, but honestly it is a pout. I want to know how and why I am here. God is saying, "Wait on me. Trust me." This is sooo hard. Its not that I wanted to be impatient, but I was just being spiritually 2!! Then yesterday I went to bed without doing my devotion reading and ended up dpoing it this evening. Guess what it was about? WAITING! TRUSTING! Hello, Mcfly? (insert 'biff' on back of head here) I always smile when I am reprimanded. I think 'cause I know that means He listens to me and loves me enough to answer me--WAIT! The three study verses were:

Isaiah 30:18--"therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therfore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the the Lord is a God of justice, blessed are all those who wait for him."

Psalm 27:14--"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"

Lamentations 3:26--"It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

All speak on waiting for the Lord. Go figure. Needless to say that was the swift kick in the spiritual pants I needed to renew my patience in the Lord. So now when asked why I came to
Montana I can stop saying, "Uh...Well.." and say "Oh, I'm waiting on that, but don't worry--I;m a Christian and I know waiting!" lol-get it a reference to hitchiker's british guys words...ok...nevermind... (of course, this will be said not in pride, but in humble trust in God:})

Okay, fade back...lol...Now reading this served two purposes. One is that right now I am at a big crossroads and I want one thing and well, I am not sure what the Lord wants. I know I will go to Texas for Seminary, but when is the big Q...The second it reminded me that God spoke to me then, He will speak to me now. I just have to trust Him. So inclosing I want to thank my dad for always listening and guiding through His unconditional, unending, unjust, and merciful love. Thanks, Dad. I love you with all my heart, soul and mind and I am trying to love you more each day. And thanks to my first love, Jesus Christ, my knight in shining nailscars...You will always hold the key to my heart. I love you!

UPDATE and PRAISE!!

2008-03-04T18:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, so we all have hang-ups, habits and addictions that make life here on Earth a pain in the darrier(spelled right?). Anyhoo..Mine has been my unwillingness to grow as a mature financial minded person. I in now way feel the Lord prompting towards great un ending riches, but I have for about a while felt God encouraging me to fix my past debts, pay off current ones and ensure I don't accrue any more. Well, that sounded liek a completly daunting task and I have been hiding int he bushes about it ever since. "What? huh? Oh hey Lord, yeah I got that message, what (insert fake fuzzy cell phone noise here) can't here (here too) ok, well (again fuzzy noise) love you....click" That was what it was like. Then I had a moment. I guess you would call it a release of power and I gave the resistance up to God. It was WOW! Total burden lifted, literally. And I bought my three credit reports, plus score and fancy analysis (yuck, just as I thought)...BUT, I wasn't afraid I just hunkered down and got a goal and plan in mind and am following through on it. And oddly enough I am gonna have some pretty darn good fixed credit by August...Way less than if I paid someone to do it...Plus, God has been putting people in my life that have been helping. So I am really excited to see what more God can do with me the more power I relinquish to Him.

Finances are something I can't wait to hand over to my future husband, but for right now God is blessing me with clarity and ease in that area and I praise Him for that....Amen

One more random funny...

2008-03-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I was sitting typing one evening and I looked at my keyboard and realized that the top row of letters started with QWERTY...ok, so then it hit me that that is the reason why the Veggietales computer's name is Qwerty...lol...I have been watching those shows with my son for as long as I can remember and never got that before right now. Total duh moment...

Plans

2008-03-04T17:50:00.000-08:00

Jeremiah 29:11-"For I know that plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper and not disaster, plans to bring you hope."

Think about it. God, creator of all in the universe, maker of all life and breath has a plan for me...little me. A mere speck in the whole of this place has a plan. This is both amaxzing and amazingly frightening. These plans are so wondrous and I on;y catch glimpses of them as I live. Sometimes I think I know the plans and the detsination, only to find that after a long journey and a hearty dig, there is just another piece of the blueprints. I am a work in progress, so pardon the dust.

Right now I am embarking on yet again a long distance journey. I know that the Lord is behind my motivation, but my patience is so non-existent that I pray that the Lor dis using that to my advantage...lol.

I pray that all my family members keep these plans in their prayers that even through failure God can make a success...I love you all and thanks for contiually reading...

Chapter 1 Passion on Purpose (Pop)

2008-02-29T12:49:00.000-08:00

This is the journaling portion of my realism project...lol...You can read my blog and respond (please do, only through feedback can we grow), but keep it Christ minded and well, have fun...feel free to just vent in agreement...So here goes...

1. How willing am I to make major adjustments int my life if I felt God leading me to make them?

This is a hard one for me. I have always felt like I am willing to jump off that cliff for Christ, but I am not sure I am willing to not blame hime too when it doesn't work the way I see it working, you know? I want to please Him and I am willing to move to the ends of the Earth and usually I do (haha Montana, Indiana, and soon maybe Texas), but there is a fear that set sin once I have let go that causes a serious whiplash kid of stop in the progress of God in me. Its my brake interfereing with God's moving wheel...have you ever stuck a stick into the spoke of your friend's bike? Yeah, its kind of like that, only you stuck the stick into the spoke of a tandem that God was steering and well, you get hurt...I want to be 100% on this question. I want to say yes, I am willing to make major adjjustments in most areas.

The one area I would say is the most resistent ot change is in finances. My deepest, darkest secret. I was (and still can be) VERY irresponsible with my finances. The whole money grows on trees thing, that wasn't even close...With that I created a very bad debt spiral for myself. I feel that God is calling me to become frugal and almost threadbare in my existence to use my money to settle the debts I owe and the tithes I skip in the name of groceries. That said, I want to obediant and wiling I just can't let go. So, this is a new era and saying this out loud I can now know that I am opening myself up to financial accountability amongst my sisters and brothers. I am open to wisdom and tips, not criticism or easy fixes that don't glorify God.

2. Am I wiling to think outside of the box to discover what I can really do with my life? How?

Again, God blessed me with what I call a "gypsy's spirit". That means that I am always settled being unsettled. I can move on a whim and I can change on a dime. I am absolutely willing to think outside the box that the world sets up for us. I get worried, I am not without fear, but I am always willing to look at what might not be the standard way of doing things..."Don't worry about anything; Instead, pray about everything"-Philippieans 4:6. This has become my 2008 motto.

3. Do I see my life as a gift to me that has many choices I can make about how to live it? Why or why not?
Absolutely!! In everything, I have heard a clear message from God that He created us in His image, in His time, everything in Him, especially our freewill. This is imperative to our relationship to Christ. Every choice I make is my choice, not a forced decision. If God were to make all our decisions for us, this life would be meaningless. On the contrary, I am free to make all the choices I want...well, out of want. I desire to lead a life that glorifies God and goes in the directions He sends me...And I can choose to make choices that further this desire or that hinder it. And I see this as a tremendous gift. God did not want my life to be that of a drone, a worker bee with no choice as to my pathway, but He wanted me, with all my flaws and wrong turns, to be His willful servant, and I choose to be just that.

4. What I like most about my life right now...is the fact that I feel a clear calling, a dream, the puzzle pieces are making sense. Its like the borders are laid out and I am filling in chunks of the center. God is totally clearing ways for me to go with Him. The am blindly jumping from edge to edge of a great precipice (spelling?) of my life choices and in choosing to go with my Father, I am finding that the leap is far easier with Him. So, right not basically, I am really liking the ride.

5. What I think God is most pleased with about my life right now is...my desire. I desire...period. God has put withing me a need, or more deep, a desire, a longing, a wanting. I have found great clarity in Him and right now I am in great desire of knowing Him deeper. In fact, I am a child. A willing, wanting, excited child and I know that this pleases Him.

6. The part of my life I am most resistant to change is...the part I feel is the most out of control and unworthy of God--my finances. I am learning so much everyday, but because I feel it is so far past helping (as I look only to myself to help) I am resistent ot try and heal the past mistakes I have made and renew my future.

7. The way I would describe my dream life is...living in an open house in a small town, involved in a church family where we all know each other, married, staying at home with my Cian before and after school, but working as a dramatherapist during school hours. Dogs and farm animals running around. That is life one. Life two would be married doing orphan missions in Africa. Raising our children among natives and without American fancies. Enduring with our Father and falling in love witha a people that God chose to send me to and by working through me instilling a pssion in them as He has me and so many others.

Passion on Purpose/TrueFaced

2008-02-29T12:14:00.000-08:00

Ok, so for anyone who might be thinking, "Hey, those are the names of books plageriser (if that's a word)!" I know they are, that's the point. I am beginnig a journey of Self Discovery, so to speak. I just really feel that today's Christians need to feel free to be themselves and as the old adage (verse) says, "Take the log out of your own eye, before inspecting your neighbor's speck." So that is exactly what I am doing. I will be posting my open and honest emotions on this blog. My responses, confessions, words and prayers will be laid bare before you. I am no longer willing to let myself hide behind a false pretense of perfection of mental togetherness. I am a human, made in God's image and through the fall of man I have become imperfect. I embrace that challenge. BUT, I hope you will keep an open mind as you read. One of my greatest fears in life is that of being judged by my peers--Christians. Sad, but true, I am most at unease with my self around those in my own family. It is witha family that you feel most vulnerable and exposed. I am willing to lay myself before you and let you see the trueface of myself. I am just terrified you won't like me. Is this partly internal, yes, but it is also external (to err is human and there have been many errs against me), so as you read my blogs, take a few breaks here and there and inspect your hearts. Are you reading? Listening? Connecting? Being uplifted? Or are you judging? Condemning? Criticizing and correcting? I just think that through these two awesome books-studies of the me-we can become a better body of Christ...Thanks for reading...

**Note**If you are not a Christian, please read these blogs. You will see that Christianity is not the stuffy place of your youth, but the wondrous world of mercy and new beginnigs through God's perfect, unconditional love. "We have all fallen short...", so you can come and rejoice in your own journey with me...