On the mend...

Ok, so I haven't written a blog in a few (give or take). I have been quite ill and than God for healing mercy cause I am over it, for the most part.

While I was sick I had so many weird dreams. That ever happen to you? To be honest some of them were very cathartic (kind of like getting my hair cut). I have been so upset by the flood of memories of my past abuse that it has been overwhelming, to say the least. I know that the punishment of death from the Eden episode, goes so much deeper than just an earthly expiration date. Soemtimes I think that there are multiple wasy to die. Like your hope can die. I had for years a hope, an ideal, a desire to have a father that loved me and not himself. I wanted a father that did the daddy/daughter things I thought daddies and daughters did. But when I started having flashbacks and revelations last year, I realized that my grief was not for what was done to me, but because that dream can never be. He took away from me the one thing every little girl desires--a man to uncinditionally love her. He didn't do that for me. He stole that dream in every way possible. He stole my innocence, my youth, my dreams. He made it impossible for me to understand a man. My grief was overwhelming. No man would walk me down the aisle. No daddy/daughter dance at my wedding, no "World's greatest grandpa" shirts at christmas, no passing down of great family traditions. No instead I would get desperation for male affections, a totally anger filled heart with no understanding as to why because I buried the hurts so deep they wouldn't resurface for many years. I got the short end and I wanted to be mad at God. I wanted to scream and pound my fists and ask why!?!?! For your sake, why?!?!!? I still don't understand why, but I understand now that God did not do this. My earthly father did. And he had free-will. If I have learned nothing else through this bad experience, if any good came froem it, it was that God gave us free-will and that is a most powerful gift.
If God had removed my father's free-will to abuse, then he would have had to remove my mother's free-will to give. And my free-will to give and my familys' free-will to support. If God took only the bad free-will, then he would have to do it by doing what He originally started back in Noah's day and actually destroy all life and start again. BUT, He didn't. He loved us too much. He had other plans for us, plans that show me more than any human ever could about what unconditional, unending, unjust love is. It is through my real Father, my heavenly creator that I have found out about what real love is. If I had not experinced all that I have experienced then I amy have taken this more serious granted. (I think I do to a point anyway) But, I know now that His love is so much deeper than any love I could seek out here on Earth and that heals so much more than I thought it could. I still won't have the wedding dreams with a father on my arm, but I will have a mother who sacrificed more than any man could have for me. Through God, my father, I have been able to see teh incredible powerful woman that she is. A real inspiration. She doesn't always feel that she is, but she is. And with Easter coming I am once again able to thank a man for what He did for me, by dying on a cross, conquering death, and rising to my future home and setting in motion one of the greatest love stories I will ever be able to tell. So, Thank you, Jesus, Thank you, Abba Father, Thank you, Mother, and thanks dad. Cuase without you none of this would have come to pass. ANd although that would have been what I view as better, you had free-will and through your pain and abuse, I found a truer love than you would have ever been able to give. So, now that this rembling is finished, say thanks to your father, mother, Abba, and Jesus..
Thanks