R.e.c.o.v.e.r.y.
BOOK:
Realize I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.
"Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor." Matthew 5:3
ME:
It is in the realization that I am sexually broken, that I am a sinner, I can begin to heal. I choose you, Lord, to come into me, Jesus, to be my guide. I confess these things to you in order to be healed-confession-the truth will set you fee. I confess: homosexuality, impure thoughts, encouraging sinful behavior in others (seduction), pre-marital sex, physical envy, sexual longing...I lay these with you at the cross. I give you control of this are of my life b/c obviously I have none of my own. My flesh is my muse, but I want you as my inspiration (Savior)! Lord, Christ Jesus, take the shame, fear, sin-slavery away. Make me happy knowing I am TOTALLY helpless! Spiritually poor, I beg at your feet.
I read a book recently (The Shack) that helped me see my Papa in a new way. To see God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in ways I never considered. I felt a newness that I haven't felt in a long time. I gave up the control (I am not perfect) and do so daily. For I cannot focus on past things and cannot focus on teh future, I must run the race her and now, the today! So Today, once again as yesterday and tomorrow, I give up myself to you. I give up this whirlwind of activity this chaos, this complete lack of understading, I give it to you. I also give you control! The reigns, the know...Take it and use me today, Papa. Take it and use me Today, Jesus. Take it and use me today, Holy Spirit. Take me to your places, not my own...Heal me in your ways, not my own and PRAISE BE TO YOU wh lifted burdens long since rooted in my spirit to make me wieghtless and blameless in your sight...East to West is how far you take that and in your control I find comfort knowing I don't have to fret, I can rest easy knowing you are in control...You are God and I am not...there is true freedom in those words...
r.E.c.o.v.e.r.y.
BOOK:
Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.
"Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4
ME:
Jagged edges leaves crooked scars. I have been jaded and mis-treated. I, in turn, have clung to anger and mistrust as my friends. Iwould be lying if I said that I loved God with my whole self-heart soul and mind. My statement would read closer to "I love God with my whole mind, whole soul, but only the parts of my heart I haven't shut up in shame and fear!" Shame shut up a great part of my heart, anger the other part and fear the biggest part b/c I was willing slave to those sins. I hurt myself, and others, then pitied myself-wallowing in it. Then upon hearing God's gentle, urging, voice I hid that part of me-Just as if in teh Garden, oh the Eve that I am. I tried to be my own god for so long, my own savior, that giving up those places I failed and then hid away (my skeletons) is the most frightening thing I am doing now, but also the most feeing. Fear b/c I had no idea (or have) how to love properly. I cannot even trust myself to fully love my son, unabashedly. My fear surfaces as brash and self-centeredness. I despise me and others, therefore I cannot believe a God can love me. (Note: this is an older journal entry, so there will be inserted updates that conflict the sentence before, just take it as it is..me) ...then I read His word, see the sunrise and get my manicure (thanks, Papa for that!) and realize He is not a man. He is beyond anyone I have known. He is my Papa, in the truest sense. He is my brother, my parent, my leader, my comforter, my EVERYTHING! HE IS TRUST in its purest form. And if I tallied every happy moment and took their sum, it still would not compare to one minute in Papa's prescence. He is wehre I want to be. ?he is the only think I believe in wholely and I realize and Earnestly know that I truly believe in Christ as my whole future...I am his beloved and He is mine. Suddenly I can feel some mortar and brick crumbling and walls weakening...jagged pieces can leave crooked scars, but really whoever appreciates the easy tasks. God will refine me through my fires. I earnestly believe this with my whole mind, body and yes....Heart!
r.e.C.o.v.e.r.y.
BOOK:
Consciously shoose to commit all my life and will to Christ's car and control.
"Happy are the meak." Matthew 5:5
ME:
How many times have I said the words, "Lord, come into my heart and lead me, Lord"? I have lost count. I said the salvation prayer many years ago and I knwo my name is in the Book of Life. BUT...I am the prodigal's daughter and I have had to lay with many swine before I realized how far from God I had run. Running away is, well, it is foolish (and expensive). The Bible clearly makes out the fool as doomed, so I don't want o be foolish. Upon coming back (running full throttle) into my Papa's welcome arms, I renew this statement more as a daily reminder to my flesh of who is really in control (Papa). So, now I consciously choose to commit all mu life and will to your care and control. Even when my flesh seems to veer off course, I give you the rod to draw me back...Take my wrong-will and replace it with your strong will...
As I said, I read "The Shack" and it gave me a glimpse into myself-the blame, shame, and name...I cling to the ideaology of God as my Papa, not my dad...Dad is (working on this) a dirty word for me. A person who causes hurt, not growth. But my Grandpa was not this way, so to think of God as a Papa, who cares for me the way a father should an to a fatherless child be a guide, then I begin to see the kind of love he has for me....So if I say Papa, I mean the only "man" who has ever really taken my interest to heart and followed me, protected me, disciplined me, and loved me UNABASHEDLY!
r.e.c.O.v.e.r.y.
BOOK:
Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, God, and to someone I trust.
"Happy are the pure in heart" Matthew 5:8
ME:
Open
Sins that I confess to have no control over...Giving them to Papa...
Laziness
Lying
Cheating
Adultery/envy
Glutton
murderous thoughts
gossip
anger
sloth
sexual immorality (sex, porn, masturbation, lust, jealousy, seduction, the list could go on, but you get the point)
ashamedness
wrecklessness
self-pity
discontentment
shallowness
impatience
unkindness
wicked tongue (gossip, harsh words, hypocrytical alliances, poisoness in nature)
judgement
And most of these are daily!
r.e.c.o.V.e.r.y
BOOK:
Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.
"Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires." Matthew 5:6
ME:
Where do I start? I will just say, "Plese excuse my dust, God has me under construction."
Lord, on the following (and previous) entries I wrote an iota of my sinful nature. I commit then to you. Give me one drop of our blood and I know they as far as East is from West. Please forgive me. I can't pay you back, so I cling to your promise that I am freed from my sin-slavery by your payment of death.
r.e.c.o.v.E.r.y.
BOOK:
Evaluate all of realtionships, off forgiveneness to those who have hurt me and make ammends for harm I've done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.
"Happy are those who are merciful." Matthew 5:7
"Happy are those who work for Peace." Matthew 5:9
ME:
To these people I make amends and ask forgiveness for my offenses against them or offer them forgiveness for thier hurts against me:
Dulcea
Doretta
Nathan
Lois
Dave F.
Dave K.
Dave C.
Uncle Dave (I am seeing a pattern of Dave hating...might need investigation)
Brent
He who hurt me...(this is in the process of healing)
Nyhki
New Covenant
Vineyard
Pastor Bob
Cynthia
Jeanine
Jodi
Emily
Jimmy
Natalie
Tommy
Johnny
Sarah
Scott
Betsy
Brenda C.
That one guy whose memory is there, but not the name
My mother
My sister
My son
For all the sins I have committed against these people and any sins they have against me I offer them up to you, Oh High God...They are your nails and I praise you for your cleansing blood...
r.e.c.o.v.e.R.y.
BOOK:
Reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will.
ME:
AM/PM Bible times (working on it, so much more than before)
Prayer for self and Cian (that too has increased in quantity and quality, huh Papa?)
Blogging/journal for testiment of Your Works and for outreach
r.e.c.o.v.e.r.Y.
BOOK:
Yield myself to God to be used to bring this Good ?News to tohers, bith by my example and by my words.
"Happy are those who are persecuted because they do what God requires."
ME:
This is the stepping out in faith (the courage-see previous posts) step that I so desperately want to embody. I acually want Christ to embody me? Is that how I would say it...I want to be soo filled that I can't help but shine...I want to twinkle minute by minute and Shine daily...I love you, Papa...
The End
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